Gym Etiquette 101

Note from Roberta: Today's guest post was written by my son, Steve. Disclaimer: I have never been to a commercial gym.  I never plan on going. 

That being said, my son's occupation requires him to be physically fit. When out-of-town training temporarily moved him from the private gym provided at work, he received an education about a whole new culture: commercial gym use. Here are his impressions.

Being new to the whole gym thing, I wasn’t aware I was doing everything wrong working out alone or with one or two other people. I’ve learned a lot and thought I would share with those who may be in a similar situation and were interested in tips on gym etiquette.

STEP ONE - You don’t actually need to work out. Just put on gym clothes, head to your local gym, water bottle and phone in hand, and grab your nearest bench or piece of equipment. Settle in on it and scroll through your phone for 30+ minutes.

Extra bonus if you take pictures of yourself in the mirror while doing so. This will keep any other people who might use this machine from doing so, thus making sure you remain the largest physical specimen in the city.

STEP TWO - Your choice of clothing dictates how big of a pump you get. Did ya’ll know they make “muscle shirts” that are just two little strips of clothing over your shoulders? They’re cut out so much, the square inches of clothing on my toddler’s shorts are greater than the square inches of clothing on your shirt. You’d be better off just going shirtless. Can we do that? Just go shirtless in the gym?

STEP THREE - The amount of grunting is equally equivalent to the amount of muscle you gain when lifting. Even if you’re lifting ten-pound dumbbells, make sure your grunting is loud enough for all in the building to hear.

STEP FOUR - If you’re a female, make sure you glare at everyone who even remotely glances in your direction. Even if they’re just trying to see what pound weights you’re using. Creepers are everywhere, and you can’t let them think they can even look in your general direction without getting pepper sprayed.

STEP FIVE - Don’t clean off the equipment when you’re done. Nothing exudes dominance more than leaving your sweat stains on every piece of equipment in the gym. It’s kinda like a dog marking its territory. Besides, wiping off equipment is a form of cardio, and we don’t do cardio.

Am I missing anything? What other tips do you have for someone taking their first trip to a general gym?

Those are my son's first impressions. Now you see why I don't go.

Want to add anything? Tell us about it below.