Cousin Rufus Joins the Offended
Dear Cousin Cletus,
Here ‘tis almost spring. Purty soon ah’l be puttin’ tomater plants in the garden. Me an’ ole Bozo, mah hound, has been lazin’ in front of the fahrplace, watchin’ fer robins.
Cletus, did you ever git off-ended? ‘Cause I wuz down at Lem’s Gen’ral Store the other day and people wuz talkin’ ‘bout folks outside the holler getting’ off-ended. Is it true?
When mah grandson Harley was growin' up, eve'body was talkin' about tolerance.
Teachers told Harley he had to tolerate ever'body, even when he knew they did stupid stuff.
So now people get offended all the time. The folks at Lem’s said some people don’t stand no more when The Star Spangled Banner is played. Is thet true? Cause if they’s down on they knees, why don’t the announcer just say, “Thank y’all fer kneelin’ so quiet like. While yer down there, let us pray.”
The folks at Lem’s say people all over the country get offended ever’ week over silly stuff somebody says. What’s this world comin’ to? Like Granddaddy told us, “Life ain’t fair. Put on your big boy pants and git over it.”
Granddaddy would’ve tanned our hides if we acted off-ended growin' up. But seein’s how it’s fashionable now, ah’m thinkin’ of getting’ off-ended myself. ‘Course, I’d have to practice actin’ childish, cause ah ain’t never done it since ah pushed Clay Ledbedder off the teeter totter in second grade when he called me a sissy.
Ah’m thinkin’ of marching by the pool hall Friday night with a sign—offended people carry signs don’t they?’-- that says, “I WANT CLEAN AIR. STOP CUSSIN.’’
And the next night ah’m gonna make me another sign and march in front of Lem’s Gen’ral Store. This one’ll say, “STOP THROWIN’ TRASH ON THE ROAD. YORE MOMMA DON’T LIVE HERE.”
Ah saw pictures of trash that offended people left in the big cities. It’d take a heap ‘o dump trucks to haul it all away. If folks in the holler git the crazy notion to be off-ended, we gotta stop it before the trash pile gets too high.
What do ya think, Cletus? Should I try bein’ off-ended?
If you ever git bored, come visit. We’ll go to Lem’s and listen to whut them crazy folks outside the holler is doing. And ah’l buy you a orange sodee pop.
Your turn. Any thoughts on being tolerant vss. being offended? Tell us about it below. Remember, this is sometimes a humor column. Keep the comments kind, please.