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'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

For Barbara, my Missouri friend who chortled the first time she read this.

Dear Great Aunt Matilda,

Thanks for the invitation to spend Christmas at your place. Since Mom and Dad will be vacationing in Bahamas while I’m on break, it will give me a place to call home. I’m not sure why they chose to leave at Christmas.

I can’t believe I haven’t seen you since I was ten years old. I remember you used to have lots of antiques, and Dad always warned me not to touch them.

Mom says there are a few things I should tell you before I come. I’m bringing my pet boa constrictor since the dorm will be closed. But don’t worry, he lives in a glass aquarium and only escaped once, when I forgot to put the lid on.

Also, I hope you don’t mind if I bring my drum set. Our garage band practices often, and I don’t want to get rusty.

Is it okay if I bring my weight bench and weights? I figure they’ll fit in the back of my car.

Oh, by the way, there is a convention of sumo wrestlers in your city the week after Christmas and I took the liberty of telling them they can stay at your place to save a little money. But don’t worry, they won’t break anything when they practice, if we tell them to be careful. We became friends when we all spent the night together in jail. They’re a bunch of fun guys and I think you’ll like them.

My girlfriend may be stopping to visit the day before Christmas, if she can get someone to post bail for her. Please act like you don’t notice the Lion King tattoo on her leg. The guy who did it was an amateur and it looks like a hyena with leprosy instead of the Lion King.

Well, I’m looking forward to being with you and enjoying home cooking and your old-timey house. Too bad Mom and Dad decided to go south. Maybe the warm weather will cure those migraines Mom gets at Christmas time.



What about you? Any unusual Christmas activities at your place? Feel free to comment below.


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