Human Obedience Training 101

Hey there, this is Champ. I’m a dog who spent years studying human behavior as it relates to our fine species of canines.

If you need help training your human, you’ve come to the right place.

It all started the day I adopted my human. I was a small puppy, dozing beside my littermates when a pair of hands picked me up. The next thing I knew I was proud owner of a human who needed to be trained. I knew if we were going to spend peaceful time together, I had work to do.

First, he had to learn come on command. He didn’t know that a bark outside the door meant, “Let me in. I’m lonely!” But persistence paid off. Eventually he mastered come on command at the first bark, like the intelligent breed I thought he was.

One day my food bowl was empty. That’s when I realized he was ready for step two.

“Hey, Champ, what’s the matter?” my human said. I was standing beside his chair at the kitchen table, front paws on his knee.

“I need some food!” I whined. As my human munched his sandwich, I drooled on his leg. Nothing happened.

It was time for the snatch and run approach. I jumped and took a bite from his roast beef sandwich.

“Champ! Get over there and eat your own food!” he shouted.

Clearly this was going to take some patience. I slunk, uh, slinked over to my empty dish and stood there, casting mournful glances his direction. Next, I sneezed. It worked. He filled my bowl and gave me the rest of his sandwich.

Good boy! I gave him happy tail wags for that.

Now that my human had learned to reason, we could move on to the simple Fetch.

“Mmmmff!” I barked, looking toward my leash.

My human didn’t get it. Fast wags and hopeful gazes failed to work. Scratching on the wall beside the door did, however.

I rewarded my human by allowing him to walk me around the block.

One of the more challenging aspects of human obedience training is teaching humans to let you sleep on their bed at night.

I know, it sounds gross and unsanitary. My mama said she would never sleep with a human. But their beds can be quite comfortable once you get used to them—especially if they have fuzzy blankets you can scratch into a pile before you turn around three times and plop down.

The secret is stealth. If your human is a sound sleeper, you can just creep up on the bed while he’s almost comatose and hope he doesn’t wake up.

If he wakes up, one of two things will happen. One: he will stare at you bleary-eyed, turn over and go back to sleep. Two: he will push you off the bed with unkind words and go back to sleep.

Either way you still can be the winner. It may take several nights to educate your human about your need for comfort. If he persists in pushing you off the bed, wait a few nights and try again.

Most humans rely heavily on sleep. Poor things. They don’t know how refreshing it is to doze on the floor each morning in patches of sunlight. Your job is to train them to eventually give up and give you a spot beside them at night.

Those are the basics of human obedience training which work on most breeds of people. Good luck.

One last caution: humans like to think they have the upper hand. If yours is one of those, always have a Plan B in mind for the next training session. With a bit of patience, you will live a long and happy life together.

What about you? Any experience being trained by your dog? Join the conversation below.