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How to Stop a Two-Legged Pest Invasion

Warm summer months are here. When we lived in the Midwest, summer meant mosquitos, chiggers, ticks and a variety of pests.

One of the most bothersome was the two-legged variety. If you live near tourist attractions, you know what I mean. They swarm onto your property, hoping to take advantage of free meals, sleeping accommodations and maid service while they visit local attractions.

When we lived in a tourist town in the South, these pests multiplied. They clustered around our door in winter, trying to escape icy weather.

Otherwise known as tourists, this species evolved from casual friends and relatives who hadn’t kept in touch with us for years. Suddenly, they became super friendly when they learned we lived ten minutes from the beach.

The climax occurred when a van load arrived at our door unannounced, uninvited, and stayed three weeks. Our scanty bank account in those days was stretched to the limit to feed our own brood.

These uninvited pests lived under the delusion they were paying guests at the Holiday Inn. You would have been proud of us for holding back the happy dance on our driveway when their van made one last exit and turned the corner.

With that in mind, I came up with the following guide for unwilling hostesses.

Please understand that I enjoy entertaining and have done much of it. However, if you sometimes find yourself invaded with pests of the two-legged variety as we have, this tongue-in-cheek list may help.


The guests have arrived, surprise!

First, discreetly ask how long they plan to stay. If they say, “Oh, Charlie has two weeks’ vacation,” then implement Survival Plan A to keep their visit to a minimum.

Survival Plan A

If you have advance notice of their coming, locate the lumpiest mattress in the house and place it in your guest room.

Make sure the guest room is close to the kitchen, even if you must move your children out of their rooms temporarily.

Get up at 6 a.m. each day, turn on loud music and sing along while you bang around preparing breakfast.

Knock loudly on the guest room door and sing cheerily, “Breakfast in ten minutes!”

You will be fortunate if your laundry room is near the guest room. You can start a load of rugs and blankets in the washer. The off-balance banging and thumping will add to the busy morning sounds.

Have your children practice their piano lessons while you’re preparing breakfast. (Someone did this to us once, and we had been invited.)

Having implemented the above, if your guests still insist on invading your living space long past their welcome, you know it’s time to implement Survival Plan B.

Survival Plan B

Though you may detest having animals in the house, bring your pets inside and get them used to sleeping on the furniture. If desperate, stop using flea protection on them during this time.

Make sure your guests see you petting little Foo-Foo often while you form meatballs. This may seem gross, but remember, you are fighting for the survival of your family. You could even slip some dog or cat hair on the table. (Notify your spouse ahead of time.)

It’s a fact that guests despise the same boring menu day after day. Try serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on stale bread and soup made from last week’s leftovers.

Leave sticky substances on the countertop or table.

Smile and say, “Hope you don’t mind leftovers. We cleaned out the freezer and you can’t believe all the meals you can make with old stuff.”

If the above fails to deter the two-legged pests swarming about your home, you can always drop in unannounced on the same people. This will give you opportunity to observe what your hostess does to shorten your visit.

What about you? Any advice for keeping two-legged pest visits at a minimum?

Tell us about it below.

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