Cousin Rufus on Junk Mail

Hope you enjoy this repost from the past while we rest from a long church camp.

Dear Cousin Cletus,

Here’s hopin’ you find this letter among all your junk mail. Mah box is getting’ stuffed full.

Cousin Elmer says he found out how he gets so much useless stuff. He subscribed to a magazine once, and they spelt his name Ellmere Ledbetter instead of Elmer Ledbetter. Next thing he knowed, he’s getting’ appeal letters, beggin’ him to send money to politicians and places he never heerd of. And his name on those letters is spelled Ellmere Ledbetter.

Cousin Elmer thinks the magazine people sold his name and address to other companies.

All ah know is, mine started when ah sent a couple dollars to the Save the Crawdad Foundation. Now ever’ week ah git letters from people asking me to send money.

Now, ah feel sorry for people, and wish ah could help ‘em all—but ah ain’t got a money tree growin’ in mah backyard. And it makes a body wonder if they’s all legitimate anyhow. Seems like ever’body’s beggin’ for a handout these days.

Ah think people stuff their letters with gifts to make you feel guilty if you don’t send ‘em somethin’. So far, they sent me stars ‘n stripes socks, shoppin’ bags that say, “Crawdads have feelings too,” enough address labels to cover the outhouse walls, calendars, ink pens, and pads of paper with mah name on ‘em. That’s what ah’m writin’ this letter on.

So Cletus, be careful who you send money to these days. You just might find your mailbox stuffed so full of junk mail thet you’ll want to move away with no forwardin’ address.

Y’all come see me come fall. We’ll go down to Lem’s Gen’ral Store and stock up on orange sodee pop. And we’ll have a bonfire with all our junk mail.

Your cuz,

Rufus

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