Cousin Rufus Gets Junk Mail


Dear Cousin Cletus,

Here’s hopin’ you find this letter among all the junk mail that clutters your mailbox. At least mine is stuffed these days.


Cousin Elmer says he found out how he gets so much useless mail, and letters askin’ for money. He subscribed onct to a magazine, and they spelt his name wrong on the label. Next thang he knowed, he’s getting’ appeal letters, beggin’ him to send money to places he never heerd of before. And his name on those letters is spelled the same way as the magazine label.


So Elmer thinks the magazine people sold his name and address to the other companies.


All ah know is, mine started when ah sent a couple dollars to the Save the Crawdad Foundation. Now ever’ week ah git letters from other people, asking me to send money. And if ah don’t send a donation, then they send me more letters with pictures of some poor starving kids or a soldier with a arm or leg missin’.


Now, ah feel sorry for them people, and wish ah could help ‘em all—but ah ain’t got a money tree growin’ in mah backyard. And it makes a body wonder if they’s all legitimate anyhow. Seems like ever’body’s beggin’ for a handout these days.


You know whut all ah got in them appeal letters this year? (They stuff ‘em full of “gifts” so you’ll feel guilty fer not sendin’ money). Ah got stars ‘n stripes socks, shoppin’ bags that say, “Crawdads have feelings too,” enough address labels to cover mah cabin walls, some calendars, ink pens, pads of paper, and ah cain’t ‘member what else.


Ah gave the socks to Harley’s kids for Christmas and ah about covered one cabin wall with posters and calendars. The address labels add a little color to the wall beside mah bed.


So Cletus, be careful who you send money to these days. You just might find your mailbox stuffed so full of junk mail thet you’ll want to move away with no forwardin’ address.


Y’all come see me come spring. We’ll go down to Lem’s Gen’ral Store and stock up on orange sodee pop.


Your cuz,

Rufus


What about you? Is Rufus the only one deluged with junk mail? Tell us your experience.