Dating Ads from the Pit

If you are above middle age, perhaps you recall the bygone years when persons seeking a relationship placed personal want ads in the newspaper. Using lingo such as SWM (single white male), or DBF (divorced black female), people sought romance in unique ways.

Since this is the month when we celebrate Valentine’s Day (notice, no m in Valentine), it seems appropriate to travel back to those years of not-so-honest ads. Wouldn’t it be fun to translate their real meaning? Here is what they might look like.

WANTED: SWM 40-ish, seeks relationship with SWF age 20-50. I like moonlight walks, picnics in the park, quiet evenings at home.

Translation: I am 49 and broke and can’t afford to take a date anywhere. I hope some female out there will be rich enough to support me and my gaming habit. And my five cats.

WANTED: DWF seeks meaningful relationship with male age 40-50. No smokers please. Must be clean, no chest hair. I enjoy cooking, cleaning, crocheting, doing crossword puzzles.

Translation: I drove my first husband crazy chasing him around with a vacuum cleaner. Just for the record I weigh 350 pounds but looks aren’t everything.

WANTED: Country gentleman seeks country gal who likes horses, country music, camping. Let’s have a friendship and see what happens.

Translation: I am so old my bones creak. I live in a 20-foot travel trailer in the middle of a horse pasture and am looking for someone to take care of me. I muck out horse stalls to supplement my social security check.

WANTED: DWM, adventurous guy looking for woman of my dreams. If remote, ranch-style living appeals to you, look no further to find the man of your dreams. Send picture. No phone calls, please.

Translation: I live on a 500-acre farm on a dirt road and raise howling chinchillas. I’m a little hard of hearing but my squishy belly makes me cuddly.

WANTED: Older widowed lady seeking companionship for spending inheritance. Love to travel. Cruises, dancing—you name it, I love it. Write to Box 1000.

Translation: I am an 80-year-old widow living on Social Security and seeking to spend YOUR inheritance. Let’s cruise around the mobile home park on our adult tricycles.

Isn’t it a shame that computer dating overtook personal want ads? I rather enjoyed the entertainment the newspaper provided.