Valentine’s Day is only three days away. If you are seeking romantic interests, Aunt Roberta has just what you need—a handy dictionary to get you started. Composed by our son Budgie when he was a teenager, this list has been slightly modified by his mom. May this be the year you find the person of your dreams.
CHOCOLATE: Food group for females
CONTACT LIST: Phone numbers of guys and girls. Considered by guys to be the equivalent of a trophy case.
FLOWERS: What a man gives to a woman when (a) he is trying to impress her, (b) he has done something stupid, (c) she still is livid, even after the chocolate.
FRIEND: (a) What you need when you are afraid to ask a girl for a date. He/she can check out the atmosphere, discerning if she really might say yes to going out with you.
(b) What you get called when the girl you are crazy about thinks you’re disgusting but is too nice to tell you.
GIRL: Creature of the female species who defies explanation. Can be sweet one moment but sarcastic the next. She drives you crazy and you just have to get to know her.
GUY: Another baffling creature. He knows he is supposed to be both tough (with other guys) and tender (with you)—but isn’t quite sure how to do that. In an effort to fill both roles, he sometimes resembles Rambo performing on Sesame Street.
I’M NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW: Line used by girls when they think of you as non-boyfriend material. See “friend” entry, part b.
MARRIAGE: The surgeon general has declared that mentioning this word on a first date can be hazardous to one’s health.
PERFUME/COLOGNE: A little goes a long way. Causing an asthma attack on a first date can be embarrassing when you smell like a bucket of Eau de Gag.
SISTER: Female relative useful in checking out girl of your choice. Keep this relative humored by occasionally taking her out to eat.
TAPE: What you want to put over little brother’s mouth when he tells your date you copied her picture out of the yearbook and taped it to your bedroom wall.
WEDDING: An expensive event, seconded only by the national debt. Typically, the girl does all the prep work and the guy just shows up and claims the girl.