Handbook for New Mothers

Humorous help for the first-time mom

If you frequent stores this week, you will notice a blitz of people perusing the greeting card aisle. Some will be looking for way to express thanks to “Good Old Mom.”

Others seek a way to offer a humorous or sheepish apology for giving her gray hair.

As one who experienced the Mom Thing many times, I thought it may be helpful to offer a handbook for mothers experiencing their first Mother’s Day.  These are things I wish someone had told me many years ago.

Aspirator: Polite term for what some people call a “snot sucker”. Use this to pull mucous from the nose of your baby before he/she sprays you with mucous when they sneeze.

Auditory Processing Disorder: A hearing disorder which children turn on or off at will. When your child becomes about four years old, and you say to them, “Bradley, it’s time to get ready for bed,” he hears, “Why don’t you make a peanut butter sandwich, spill milk on the kitchen floor, play with the dog, call Grandma, and take all the toys out of your toybox.” Any seasoned mother can describe similar situations.

Baby Book: A sort of diary in which new mothers write down day-by-day events of baby’s life such as first visitors, first smile, first gifts. Most moms give it up in exhaustion after the first week or month.

Bathroom: A nice place to lock yourself into when life’s demands become so great that you develop a nervous tic. Helpful if new mother looks at her reflection in the mirror and says aloud, “You can do this. Just get through the next hour.”

Bottle: What baby screams for when you try to pay for your groceries with a line of eight people grimacing behind you.

Colic: A disorder like an upset stomach, affecting babies - and adults within 50 yards of a baby that sets new records for decibel level of screaming.

Diaper: Rectangular piece of absorbent material, made to leak on parents at inconvenient times such as church services, shopping expeditions, visits to snooty relatives, and long car trips.

Pacifier: Also called “The Binky.” A plastic or rubber circle with a small handle attached. Insert object into baby’s mouth at 3 a.m. when threatened with a nervous breakdown from sleep deprivation. This device known to drop onto the floor in filthy places such as public restrooms or grocery store aisles. Note: some children become so attached, that visitors never see baby’s full face until they reach age two or three.

Stroller: A four-wheeled cart originally made for carrying baby as you shop or walk. Handy for toting tomatoes to the neighbors or holding shopping bags in the mall, because baby wants to be carried on your hip instead.

Thermometer: In my days of new motherhood, a little glass tube used to take baby’s temperature. We sometimes hesitated to use ours, because we couldn’t remember whether it was for oral or rectal use. Fortunately for today’s mothers, the digital kind allows you to swipe it across baby’s forehead.

This list should get you started on the challenging, yet rewarding journey called Motherhood. Enjoy your day!

What about you? Any items to add to this handbook? Tell us about it in the comment section below.