Colliding with Social Cues

One of the rites of passage during my growing up years was learning to read social cues. My mom was good at drilling this into our psyche. At the dinner table, talking with a mouth full of food brought “the look”. Asking a woman her age? Won’t do that again. Saying please and thank you at the appropriate times became second nature, thanks to our parents’ instructions.

I still remember the day my mom took me to visit the mother of her old childhood friend. This dear lady couldn’t help it; she looked just like a witch from a storybook. I was a child and couldn’t help staring. Later, at home, my mom issued another social nicety: “Don’t stare.”

And then I grew up. What a shock to learn that those outside my geographical area didn’t share the same cultural training.

Using amateur analyzing, I developed a twofold theory about social cues. First, perhaps it was possible that certain personality traits affected one’s ability to read them.  I theorized that people with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) were on that list. Simply put, they lacked the ability to tell when they were annoying others.

Case in point: I learned that hanging out with those who have ADD sometimes results in embarrassing moments. Once a friend and I dropped in to visit a married couple we had known for a long time. The evening wore into night, and my friend (the one with ADD) kept hanging around. I was tired and wanted to get some sleep--and so did our hosts. Our ADD friend didn’t notice their obvious glances at the wall clock and their yawns. Finally, the wife of our host disappeared into their bedroom, put on her bathrobe, and took the pins out of her long hair. Then she reappeared in the living room. What a brilliant cue! (And they knew us well enough to get by with it.)

Moving into different geographical areas brought more eye-opening adjustments. That necessitated a second theory: Not everyone has the opportunity to absorb “Social Skills 101” during their formative years.

Once a large retinue of people from another geographical region came to visit and stayed—or overstayed, their welcome by three weeks. We had just thirty-five cents in our bank account and no credit cards. Due to the culture where our guests grew up, it shouldn’t have been a problem to spend three weeks at someone’s house, lounging around like paying guests.

Sometimes a good sense of humor helps. (And we’ve been guilty of what I’m about to describe.) In our younger days it was common for families to spend evenings visiting friends. After an enjoyable time, the guests realize it’s time to leave. They stand and say, “Well I guess we’d better be going.” Then they stand at the door talking another 20 minutes.

Did you ever have a conversation with someone who stands too close to the person they’re talking to?  It turns into a one step-backward dance step, followed by one step forward by the other person.

Social cues vary from place to place. And back to theory one, if you’re ever friends with someone who has ADD, you’re in for a rollercoaster ride. Buckle your seatbelt and prepare to have your life changed. I’m still developing theories about the rest of civilization.

What about you? Any theories on social cues? Feel free to use the comment box below to join the conversation.