Cousin Rufus Gets Offended

Dear Cousin Cletus,

Here it is near the end of summer. Me an’ ole Bozo, mah hound, has just been lazin’ on the porch, enjoyin’ the rest whut comes from hot weather. Purty soon ah’l have ta fahr up mah woodstove.

Cletus, did you ever git offended? ‘Cause I wuz down at Lem’s Gen’ral Store the other day and some people wuz talkin’ ‘bout folks getting’ offended. Is it true they’s still doin’ strange thangs outside the holler?

The ones at Lem’s wuz sayin’ people don’t stand no more when The Star Spangled Banner is played. Is thet true? Cause if they’s down on they knees, why don’t the announcer just say, “Thank y’all fer kneelin’ so quiet like. While yer down there, let us pray.”

You know our daddies would’ve tanned our hides if we acted offended growin’ up, so we never learnt how. But seein’s how it’s fashionable now, ahm thinkin’ of getting’ offended myself. ‘Course, I’d have to practice actin’ childish, cause ah ain’t never done it since I growed outta diapers. But ahm thinkin’ of marching by the pool hall Friday night with a sign—offended people carry signs don’t they?-- that says, “I WANT CLEAN AIR. STOP CUSSIN.’’

And the next night ahm gonna make me another sign and march in front of Lem’s Gen’ral Store. This one’ll say, “STOP THROWIN’ TRASH ON THE STREET. YORE MOMMA DON’T LIVE HERE.” Ah saw pitchers of trash that offended people left in the big cities, an’ it’d take a heap ‘o dump trucks to haul it all away.

What do ya think, Cletus? Should I try to be fashionable or keep livin’ like the rest of us in the holler? ? If ever you git bored, c’mon down and visit. We’ll go to Lem’s and listen to whut them crazy folks outside the holler is doin'. And ah’l buy you a orange sodee pop.

Yer cuz,

Rufus