Football Fan's Guide to Black Friday Shopping

Men: want to be shopping savvy this year? This post is for those brave enough to attend retail stampedes.

BLACK FRIDAY: The day after Thanksgiving—which we set aside to be grateful for what we have-- in order to trample other people, to acquire even more.

If you think that sounds crazy, it is. However, if you insist on venturing into stores on Black Friday, this guide will aid you in terms you will understand.

BLITZ: When a shopper sprints to be first in line at the cash register, resembling a five-foot running back charging toward a towering wall of defensive linemen.

BUMP AND RUN: Technique of seasoned shoppers, used on rookie shoppers. One person jostles another, causing her to drop the item in her hands. This slows her down, giving you time to sprint to the cash register first.

DRAWING OFFSIDE: Being first in the door when the store opens, you get the crowd to follow as you rush to an area where you don’t want anything. Then you quietly circle around to the good stuff, leaving the stampede in another aisle.

FAIR CATCH: A play involving two or more shoppers on the same team. Shopper A signals Shopper B with a discreet wave as he throws selected sale item down the aisle to her in order to avoid being tackled. Shopper B then disappears around the corner and deposits item in her cart.

INTERCEPTION: You reach for the last item in the sale bin, only to have the lady with the crazy hair snatch it out of your hand and rush to the register.

LINE OF SCRIMMAGE: Aisle in the store which offers the town’s last five copies of a famous game.

RETAIL PRICE: Inflated profit charged for cheap items made in a foreign country with inferior materials.

RUSH: What happens when the merchant unlocks the door at 5:00 a.m. Helpful if you wear steel-toed boots and thick padding for protection from crazed shoppers who have been standing in 30-degree weather for several hours.

SALE: Misleading term applied to prices which have been marked up by 60%, then advertised as 30% off.

This list should get you primed for the biggest retail event of the year. Enjoy yourself while I stay at home, sipping hot tea and eating pumpkin pie.

What about you? Have any unusual Black Friday stories? Add your comments below.