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Lobbying Bucket List

“If I were President for a day…”

When you were a kid you probably thought your parents and the President could solve everyone’s problems with the snap of a finger. Well, maybe it’s not that easy, but if you were a lobbyist you might influence some public officials to take certain courses of action.

Please permit this writer to daydream of a week in the life of a personal lobbying bucket list.

First would be restroom doors. I would influence lawmakers to legislate changing doors on public restrooms. Nothing is more disgusting than using automatic soap dispensers, faucets and hand dryers—and then facing a grimy door handle to exit the restroom. Why not have toe-holds so you don’t have to touch the door? Some people DON’T wash their hands, and they may be the ones handling your food at a restaurant.

Then, I would persuade lawmakers to alter the bags inside cereal boxes. Remember the good old days when those bags were made of waxed paper? Now, after struggling to open those pesky things inside cereal boxes, you have to get up and grab the scissors before enjoying breakfast.

Next, I would lobby for manufacturers to make knitted gloves that didn’t get holes in the finger tips. About mid-winter they magically rip open, just as you’re scraping ice off the windshield. After that I would tackle socks that don’t stay up.

Following these life-altering issues I would take on cell phone texting. I would influence lawmakers to make it illegal to text while driving. If anyone got caught violating that law I would require them to view 40 hours of fatal auto crash clean-up sites.

If you have been almost creamed by a distracted driver, you know why I said that.

I would influence churches to change the annoying practice of meet-and-greet time. That is when the song leader stops the service about ten minutes after beginning, then tells you to walk around, slap a few people on the back, shake hands and say hello to the same people you just greeted when you walked into church a few minutes ago. All my fellow introverts would thank me.

Bolstered by success, I would be on a roll. I would tackle deeper issues—like clothes that shrink after Thanksgiving, shoes that kids outgrow too quickly (couldn’t they make adjustable ones?) ejection buttons for people who hold up traffic while texting at red lights.

Perhaps I should stop before getting heady with success. See you in the lobby.

What about you? Got any things you'd like to see changed around you? Feel free to comment below.

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