Handbook for New Moms

There is nothing like a new baby to add sparkle to a family…and bags under parents’ eyes.

Since several women we know are expecting additions to their family, I thought this guidebook might prove useful.

ASPIRATOR: Polite term for what the old-timers called a “mucous sucker.” Used to pull mucous from a baby’s nostrils before she sneezes in your face.

AUDITORITY PROCESSING DISORDER: Type of hearing disorder which children of any age can turn on or off at will. You will know his APD is turned on when you say to your five-year-old, “Rupert, it’s time to get ready for bed,” and on the way to his bedroom he makes a peanut butter sandwich, plays with the dog, calls Grandma, and takes all the toys out of his toy box.

BABY BOOK: A type of diary in which new mothers begin recording the day-by-day events of baby’s life such as first visitors, first smile, first gifts. Likely found gathering dust on a shelf a month after baby’s birth, due to Mama succumbing to exhaustion.

BATHROOM: Location mothers lock themselves into when life’s demands become overwhelming. Helpful if afflicted mom looks at her reflection in the mirror and says, “You can do this. Just get through the next hour.” Mothers’ presence in this room often is accompanied by tiny toddler fists pounding on door and saying, “Whacha doing, Mom?”

BOTTLE: What baby screams for when Mama tries to pay for groceries while balancing a toddler on her hip. Usually occurs when six people stand in line behind harried mother.

COLIC: Disorder affecting both baby and adults within fifty yards. Causes much pain, especially among adults listening to screams from a baby who is inconsolable. Old wives recommend a warm bath and a husband with nerves of steel.

DIAPER: Rectangular piece of absorbent material made to leak on parents at inconvenient times such as church services, shopping trips and visits to relatives.

PACIFIER: Otherwise known as “binky” or “the plug.” Plastic piece with small handle on one side and nipple on the other. Helpful if inserted in baby’s mouth at 3:00 A.M. when parents near nervous breakdown from sleep deprivation. Device is known to drop onto floors in filthy places such as public restrooms and grocery store aisles.

STROLLER: Four-wheeled cart made for carrying baby as mother walks. Handy for holding shopping bags in the mall because baby cries to be carried on mother’s hip instead.

THERMOMETER: In grandmother’s day, a minimally-useful glass tube used to measure temperature in a sick baby. Mothers often failed to use apparatus because they couldn’t remember whether it was oral or rectal. Terrified of inserting it in wrong end of baby, they usually toted sick baby to the doctor and let the nurse take over.

This list should get you through the first month. Happy parenting…and enjoy the last hot meal you will eat for the next eighteen years.

How about you? Know other helpful terms for new mothers? Perhaps you're a survivor of motherhood and wish to pass on helpful advice. Feel free to comment below.